So what is our alternative you ask? What do we affix our glazed eyes upon now, if we just can't take another gosh-darn hour of cat fights, treachery and '15-minutes-of-famers'?
Look to the past for answers to the future, Grasshopper. Then look up quickly to make sure there isn't a bird about to eat you, Grasshopper. And who the hell gives a nickname like Grasshopper? But I digress.
In repositioning our rear-view mirrors, we see the answer to the reality show question. I know what you're thinking, 'make with the answer, already!'
Okay, now your second thought, what from our past can help us overcome the drudgery of our present and unfortunate future of reality TV?
Why, it's our old friends from Mystery Science Theater 3000! (See below for disclaimer, unless you don't want to, then if you're one of the Best Brains, go ahead and make the assumption that all this stuff belongs to you, and is used without permission, but not for profit, which I'm pretty sure falls into the "I can say what the hell I want because I'm protected under the 1st Amendment", in which case I can still say it, but I still have to give you guys the credit, since I confess to being not smart enough to have created, aired and developed a Peabody Award-winning show with a huge cult following, that to this day retains a small, but fiercely loyal fan base.) Oh, and by below, I meant immediately following the phrase, ‘see below’. See above for clarification, void in Ohio, free hot dogs for the kids.
Moving forward. Or is it backwards now. Perhaps a lateral move might be less confusing. Okay, laterally speaking, MST3K will provide you with hours upon hours of complete escapism from the drudgeries of reality. Where do I find this gem of television brilliance? Why, down at your local video store, natch! Or ask a friend to find a friend, who might know a friend who once worked with a guy who used to tape something that sounds like the same thing, and might be able to loan me a tape or two to catch me up to speed. OR - you can just rent, buy, borrow or ‘NetFlix’ the MST3K DVD collection series. Or press the pound key for option two.
You have pressed, option two. If you wish to hear this message again, please press the star key. (btw, the ‘star’ key is really an asterisk, and should be called as such.)
There is no 2nd option. I’m just progressing laterally in the opposite direction.
OK, I lied; there is a second option. It’s called Rifftrax!! But wait, there’s more! If you call now, you not only get the first and second options, you get a third option absolutely free! This gorgeous third option is The Film Crew. But call now to reserve your free gift of an extra option. Operators are standing by! Why don’t they give those guys some chairs, for cripes sake. Then they can just ‘sit by’ while waiting for you to get off your chunky bum and take advantage of this one-time-only-offer, which will be offered again tomorrow morning at about 3am, and again the following day, and so forth.
I leave you know with some serious food for thought. You may want to order out just in case you’re still hungry. Or, just stick around and check back for new, delicious commentary about This American Life. I’m Ira Glass. No I’m not. Sorry, channeling PRI again. (stupid dental work picking up public radio)
Until next time, don't forget to drink your Ovaltine, and stay tuned for the next episode of "I Married Manos" - the hilarious new reality series from Fox
